u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
