When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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