i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
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