i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
