I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
a search helicopter?!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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