low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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