Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
