if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize