Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize