Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
