I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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