I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
