I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize