Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
