i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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