you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
