I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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