Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
