1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
