He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
