oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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