I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Houston, we have a squirter
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize