things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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