I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize