If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
