Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize