An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
