my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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