Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I think I sprained my soul last night
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
