Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
