you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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