he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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