Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
