Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
