my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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