I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's blow job season.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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