yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
