I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
