All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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