My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
