Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
