i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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