Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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