I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
