i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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