6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
