Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
