I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
