Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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