A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My vagina is officially offended.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
