Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize