This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
