I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
