I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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