lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
