So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
