The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
