I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
