You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
