clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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