we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
