Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize