this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
