What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
