Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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