Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
