he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
