Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
ttyl tear gas
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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