so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
