Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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