OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
