Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
